Football is. Darby Dexter
Football is. Perspective | Darby Dexter | Brunswick City SC
I spoke to Darby Dexter as part of my Football is. Isolation series and I left our discussion with a wealth of material that I knew I wanted to share at some time. As we spoke further post the cancellation of the season I knew this would be an opportune time to revisit the earlier interview along with the follow-up. One of the wonderful things about this project has been getting to know people better and also the willingness of people to openly discuss elements of their lives. Darby’s insight into leadership and what it takes to have balance in life is a great remedy for these extremely weird times we are living in.
Darby started 2020 on his great adventure exploring his family’s roots in Argentina and living life as a traveller. Little was he to know that five months later he would find himself dealing with a pandemic and racing back to Australia. So much had happened in such a short period of time. Once he sensed that he may be returning to Melbourne, Darby contacted Riccardo Marchioli his coach at Brunswick City about the possibility that he would return.
Football is. When you got back to Melbourne did you know that you would return to Brunswick City?
About a week before I left, I spoke to Riccardo Marchioli who was my coach at the Brunswick City last year. I had and still do have a really strong relationship with him. I mentioned that there's a chance that I might be coming home. And it was a stroke of genius from him. He told me to quickly register before the deadline. So I knew that was somewhat of a fallback option in case I was stuck here for some time, which ended up being the case. But as things started to develop, it looked like Australia was doing much better than other parts of the world. I realised that football was and is a possibility, which injected me with a bit of life. I think football does that for me. Certainly having that end goal of potentially playing football in a couple of months was pretty exciting. It keeps you sane when you've got this light at the end of the tunnel.
Football is. How far in advance of the season did you get back?
I got back in mid March. So the season was about to start. My plan was to come back and if football is still happening to basically go down there and help improve players, improve the culture and if it means I ended up starting again, and playing that would be great.
I've had some challenging experiences in the NPL. But this club has been a really great one to be part of. So I actually have the rare feeling where I'd be happy for the team to be winning even if I wasn't playing matches. It's new for me. But I was excited to just be a good teammate and try and help the guys achieve things.
Football is. How do you think the slowdown that everyone's had to experience is beneficial moving forward for people or for yourself?
I think a lot of people have reached a crossroads in their lives and they might not recognise it as a crossroads until after with hindsight. But right now, we've all been put into a position where you can genuinely reassess the direction of your life and what you're doing. My dad's been an accountant for 25 years or so. Like everyone else at the start, he was at home and, had time to think about what he is doing and what is his purpose? Is this fulfilling and the answer is yes for him, but everyone's got that opportunity. So that's a great thing. Being forced to spend so much time with family, not everyone's family lives are so great. So it could be a really challenging time for some people.
ABOUT LEADERSHIP
Football is. How much does football influence your decision from a career point of view?
Yeah, it definitely does.
I've been working in the leadership and culture space for a couple of years now. And that's had a direct impact on me. I am loving playing football, but more importantly, I am loving being a part of the team and being fascinated by what gets the best out of people. I actually brought down a football from my room that has some notes on it that were written to me after I did my ACL about three years ago. And that kind of stays as a reminder to me that football for me is about the relationships that I build. So when it comes to work, you know, most people are working with people and with leaders. And so my football experiences have set me up to have a really strong voice in this space. I've played under some awesome leaders who I really look up to. George Mcheileh (captain at Brunswick City) is a great leader, and a great person. So that's a great example of someone who I can look up to and role model off. And I've played under some really crappy ones as well.
And the same goes for the coaches.
I've been practicing these things since I was 11 or 12 years old, which not many people can say for their careers. So absolutely, they'll be linked. They've been linked from the start and they'll be linked until the end I believe. Football has played such a huge role in my life and particularly with my development as a person.
Football is. The leadership space that you have worked in and as you said, you're continuing. Is that the type of thing whereby you can set your own limits?
Yeah, I've been working part time alongside football and coaching and started when I was back at Uni as well. So it's quite flexible. I did a little bit of work with a women's football team, helping them build a trademark something they want to stand behind and reviewing how they've been going and rewarding some people are really capturing the behaviours that they're looking for as a club. So that was awesome work and a nice amalgamation of all of my playing and coaching experience with what I do for work. Yeah, everything just fits really nicely. I feel like I've got a lot of clarity about where I'm going and how everything kind of pieces together.
Football is. What do you believe makes a good leader?
That’s a tough question, but I think at the core it's someone who doesn't just talk but acts and is strong in their actions. Doing things. There are lots of challenges, particularly in football circles, that coaches face where players are not playing within the system or challenges their leadership and the strong leaders are honest and they care about every one of the players, but they've got conviction about what they stand for and what the team stands for. I look up to leaders like that, who are able to not only confront a player, but just say look I expect more from you and this is what we stand for. And then it's up to the player to respond to that or not. A strong leader has to be able to do those things.
Football is. What have you learned the most about yourself during the covid experience?
I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my relationships and who I am as a person. It's a tough one. I really do care about people and it's been great to be able to invest so much time in my relationships and having time to sit back and be able to call people and see how they going? And when you're apart, you value it and so much more. So that's been clear from the start that I just miss my mates, I miss my football mates. I guess that I just love being around people.
So, I guess that's not a new learning for me. But being at home has definitely made that even clearer than it already was.
COVID and the mental health impact
Darby and I picked up this conversation when Melbourne moved into stage three of the second lockdown. 2020 certainly has thrown up a lot of challenges for everyone. It’s a year where I think we are all taking time to pause and take a forced break from life.
Football is. What went through your head when we had confirmation that the season was cancelled?
I'd already thought that it was going to get cancelled. I think I'd already dealt with my emotions regarding that announcement before it happened. It was a mixed bag. It was disappointment mostly. I’d been training with the team for maybe a month and a half by then and had really enjoyed it. There are quite a few new faces down at Brunswick who I hadn't met and it was pretty cool to come back into the frame and have a bunch of guys that I played with last year. And then a bunch of new guys who I had to try to earn their respect and I really liked that. So mostly disappointment but for me I just want to try and make a positive out of everything. It takes a little bit of the pressure off so instead of doing a gym session or going for a run I can go for a kick with a mate and catch up and enjoy football. So, I guess initial disappointment and then pretty quickly onto the front foot trying to think about the possibilities of what a half a year without competitive football looks like and how much good I can get from it.
Football is. So we're in the second lockdown, What's different for you this time around?
I'd say the big difference is that there's a little bit less hope for particularly football, obviously it's been cancelled in the last few days. I guess that has the two fold impact of being disappointed that it's not going to run this year. I was pretty excited and I recall in our last interview, I was speaking about how it had given me quite a bit of purpose and a bit of a spring in my step when I was in lockdown thinking about the prospect of playing. What it does is open up the back end of my year to maybe travel. There’s not going to be many July to October periods in my life where I'm not going to be playing football and also not working that much. So it's probably a good opportunity. So yeah, I go through different phases when I hear news like that in the first day is just disappointment and then pretty quickly I try and think of, you know, how can I make a positive out of this?
Football is. That's an interesting one because we don't know to what extent we're gonna be able to travel. Have you had any consideration of that like, you know, would you do a 14 day quarantine?
Probably not at this stage but yes, it's a consideration but I guess it's just more for my mental well being. I think it's important to have hopes and dreams for periods that are like this. And, you know, in my downtime when I'm sitting at home it’s easy to spiral into negativity. I think. It just helps me stay excited.
I think this period can promote a lot of mental health issues, a lot of people struggle with the concept of a happy future. And that's not something I struggle with. But it's something that I'm aware of that I'd love to constantly promote that in my head.
This period will be another set of time where I can do things that I'd like to do and focus on myself and my relationships with people and that's enough for me to be happy and excited. The travel part is more of a hope than a realistic thing it might be viable for a time t come. But it's just more putting positive thoughts in my head and reinforcing a positive cycle of mental wellbeing rather than a negative one which can kind of take over pretty easily I think.
Football is. How much more aware of the mental health impacts on yourself and the people around you during the last few months?
Quite a lot, I was actually having a conversation with one of my best friends yesterday. We went and had a hit of golf and we're speaking about how we treat mental health quite differently and how if I were to have any sort of physical issue that particularly in football I want to be on the park, I would address it instantaneously. There wouldn't even be a second thought, because I want my body to be in a workable condition so I can play football and do the things that I love.
However, it's quite challenging to apply that same mentality to mental health issues. Sometimes what I do with myself is I think, maybe I'll attend to that when it gets a bit worse or if it affects my life more negatively than it does right now. But it's actually a really counterproductive way of thinking. And I've found that during lockdown that I need to be more attuned with my mental health and that I should approach it like I do my physical body because it is just as important.
I treat my physical body so seriously as a footballer, and as a lot of people do, but particularly sports people. I should pay more respect to my brain than anything. It was quite timely that I spoke to my friend about it just yesterday, and it's still a work in progress. So that’s been a bit of a mindset shift that I'm actually trying to work on myself right now
Football is. How did you get onto the mental health topic with your mate?
He started it, we hadn't really seen each other for probably a month and a half. And I was asking him how he's doing and what he's up to. And he just started telling me that he felt a bit stressed in recent times. That kind of started the conversation. At the end of the conversation, he and I both said that it's really nice that there's nothing to be scared about and having those conversations anymore. In fact I think it brings people closer together. I certainly found that yesterday.
This is one of my best friends and I already feel very close to him but by the both of us letting each other into that level of depth of emotion is really powerful. So, we both just felt comfortable enough speaking about it. It's a really challenging time for a lot of people. I think one good thing that can come from this is that we no longer have to give an answer to the question. How are you? A simple, Yeah, I'm good. How are you? And because there's not the expectation that you're doing that well at the moment because it’s a really tough TIME for a lot of people.
I'm really, really lucky. I've got an amazing group of friends who I feel really comfortable to have those conversations with. And I think that that's just about the most important thing for people during this time because it can feel quite isolating. If you have those conversations and your friends listen to you without judgement and most likely open up a part of themselves that they might not have shared before, as well.
So that's how the conversation came up. It was one of a lot of conversations that have that I've been involved with in the past few months that have been really special to be honest. It’s amazing because I don't think it's a topic that's I've ever heard being discussed in the changing room. I'm a player and a coach. I’ve never heard mental health really brought up in any football circles.
This is an industry that's filled with bravado and people who really have to put forward this perception that they've got it all worked out, right. I think it takes strength for someone to be able to say I've had a really tough few months and this is the support I feel I need from my important people and that very powerful to me.
Since our last conversation Darby has started a project called Let’s Talk: NPL Football, a series where he has conversations with current and past teammates about topics like mental health and vulnerability. He hopes that his project can help make these conversation more normal at football clubs, that players no longer have to suffer quilt or without their teammates.
You can view these conversations here Let’s Talk: NPL Football.
If you would like to read more of Darby’s story see this link to my Football is. Isolation stories.
Mental Health resources specific to COVID-19:-